Responsiveness is that quality of an adult-child relationship where the initiative is openly transferred to the child. The adult determinedly follows the child's actions and words. Responsiveness is not trying to run the show, not trying to give any direction or suggestion to the child, and not asking most kinds of questions. Instead, the adult drops his or her own agenda to follow the child's.

To be responsive is to play a secondary role to the child's interests for the moment. One stifles one's own impulses to direct, ask or show. One attempts to read the child's underlying thoughts and intentions, looking for ways to help the child express them. The idea is not to teach but to present openness and be receptive.

When I try to be responsive I imagine myself becoming weightless. My feet lift from the ground. I drift along lightly as a dandelion seed floating in the the air. I try to let the slightest breeze of the child's fancy take me to places I have never been. I challenge myself to fly a long way; I can if I am light and sensitive enough.

RESPONDING TO NON-VERBAL INITIATIONS

Here are 4 ways to follow responsively when child does something that you want to support with your attention and interest.

	When child acts, you can use one of these ways to respond.		Example Imagine a child sitting on the floor, fastening her lace-up shoes.
	Imitation When you replicate children's actions, you are responsive. Your 'copycat' can be a quick, fun way to communicate that you are attuned to them.		Do as she does, sit down with her, side-by-side.
	Description You can factually describe what a child is currently attending to. Follow the child's eyes. Note what the child is apparently focused upon and describe it. This conveys you are noticing what the child is noticing and that you are here to receive any comments the child may have. These statements are about what the child now perceives.		"Hmmm. White shoes with laces."
	Narration You can act like a sportscaster delivering play-by-play announcements of what the child is doing as the child does it. These statements usually begin with "You..." These statements are about the child's current actions.		"You are tying them really tight."
	Pretend Dialog Talking in a dramatic role is a game. It is being silly. When you talk in a different voice and establish pretend, all the normal communication rules are suspended. You can direct, even command the child, and ask questions if you want.		"Hey there white shoe, stop sticking out your tongue! Close your mouth."

RESPONDING TO VERBAL INITIATIONS

Once a child starts talking to you, reflective listening skills come into play. Here are 3 ways to respond to what a child says that optimize the probability that the child will continue to tell you more.

	When child sends a message, use one of these ways to respond.		Example The child says,"These are the only shoes I could wear today."
	Paraphrase This is a sophisticated, reflective strategy that demonstrates you are present and receptive. The challenge is to repeat back to the child his or her underlying message to confirm you understand. The challenge is to use totally different words. "Oh, those are the only shoes you could wear?" is a parrot not a paraphrase. To mimic what the child says like a parrot is, at least, redundant and if the child is older than two, detrimental to the conversation.Few people like talking to an echo. A paraphrase, on the other hand, says the child's statement in another way that shows to them how you think and articulate that idea. Often paraphrases end with a raised inflection that says "Did I catch what you meant?"		"No choice, huh?"
	Parallel Personal Comment When a child talks to you, you can express your own personal experience or feelings that exactly correspond to the child's thought. It is best when you match the child's topic exactly. You have aspects of your experience that are parallel to the child's; when you share them you are following responsively. These often begin with "I....." These are also what you most likely do when you talk to your best friends. With children, the task is to keep your contributions short. It is not about you; it is about them.		"I only have two pair good enough to wear to school."
	Leading Query on the Child's Topic You can ask one narrowly classified kind of question and sitll remain responsive. This category of questions addresses something you don't know about what the child is talking about. No switching to your agenda. The agenda is the childs. If you shift the topic something teachy, e.g., "What color are your shoes?" you're directing the exchange again; that's not responsive.		"What happened to your other ones?"

The Responding Convention

Using these three methods in sequence, starting at the top, constitutes what I call a RESPONDING CONVENTION, a set procedure to guide oneself in responding to what a child says.

1. First I paraphrase and wait for the child to say something more.

2. If nothing is forthcoming, I usually say a parallel personal comment and wait.

3. If that fails, also, I try asking a query on the child's topic, adhering to it exactly.

This convention seems to work most of the time, especially when I was first learning to be a responsive teacher. After years of practice I mix it all up, like the example below. Until then, it's an especially effective guide to break old habits of trying to start and extend conversations, such as "What's your name?" "How old are you?" "What are you doing?" "What did you do in school today?" which often do not seem to work very well.

Often one may first respong with a parallel personal comment, #2 above, skipping the paraprhrase. The paraphrase is needed when when the child tells you something new or important.

For example:

• If the child says something like, "Grandma's coming," a paraphrase might be in order, "You get to see her!"
• If at lunch time the child says something more mundane, "I am hungry," I might skip the paraphrase ("Ready to eat, huh?") and respond with a parallel personal comment: "Me too."

RESPONSIVENESS EXAMPLES

With the single exception of the last statement all of this teacher's talk is responsive. The child, Laila, is 4 years old.

Liala: (Walks into the school room obviously showing off her dress.)

Teacher: I really like your pretty dress, Laila

Liala: It's kinda new.

Teacher: Oh, you haven't had it long?

Liala: (Shakes her head) I have only worn it two times.

Teacher: When was the last time you wore it?

Liala: To my friend's house. She has one just like it, except it is blue.

Teacher: Yours is a pretty shade of red.

Liala: I have a red hat!

Teacher: Hah! You know what? So do I!

Liala: Where is it?

Teacher: It's at home. I wear it when I ski in the snow.

Liala: I've never done that before.

Teacher: What have you done in the snow Laila?

Liala: I made some snowballs before and a snowman.

Teacher: I really like making snowmen.

Liala: My daddy helped me with mine.

Teacher: It's fun to do those things in the snow, isn't it?

Liala: I couldn't do it all by myself. It wouldn't work.

Teacher: What part wouldn't work for you?

Liala: Putting the snow together.

Teacher: Oh no! It kept falling apart, huh?

Liala: Yeah.

Teacher: Laila, do you like winter time or summer time the best?

 

Note how the last statement changed the topic to an adult one--seasons. Quite a shift from talking about packing snow. Imagine if the teacher had used a parallel personal comment and said,

Teacher: Snow is my favorite thing about winter.

Liala would then be able to convey her own current thoughts rather than switch tracks to respond to the adult's agenda.