The following is a sequence for dealing with children who are emotional. It attempts to establish the conditions in which children are most likely to communicate their thoughts and feelings and come to understand themselves, their feelings, and their circumstance. At times children may be so emotionally involved that it is difficult to reach them. They may be too angry, tearful, or sullen to participate in finding an appropriate solution to a problem. In these cases, active listening comes first. The purpose of active listening is for the adult to really hear the child, without judging him or her, and provide ways for the child to come to understand and express emotions appropriately. Emotions belong to the child. They cannot be removed, discounted, or denied. If they are reflected upon as indicators of an underlying discontent, we can validate them and enable them to move onward with their lives. It helps if the child has the opportunity to be with someone who is understanding and accepting and listens deeply with unconditional positive regard. The first thought in helping is to say to oneself, “This is an opportunity for closeness.” Emotions are not terrible things; emotions are integral to life; they are what make us human and draw us together. The care and trust involved in the disclosure of emotions deepens relationships. The intent of a caring facilitator is to act in a way that allows the child to voluntarily express the problem and come to understand it. This sequence keeps that initiative with the child. It also attempts to not use any emotion words until the content of the message is fully received. By holding those in abeyance until the child’s experience is fully understood, a more accurate vocabulary can be offered. These are steps in a convention for conducting that conversation. 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU PHYSICALLY SEE Your eyes and ears are taking in data about the child. In factual, non-judging ways you can describe that in a simple concise statement. “You are lying on the floor.” "Your lip is quivering." "You are over here by yourself." "You are crying." The challenge is to avoid using any feeling words at this time (e.g., you look sad) because those are inferences you are projecting and the emotion you are inferring from your perspective is unreliable. You may or may not be accurate. This factual, descriptive opener offers children the opportunity to initiate the communication about the emotional difficulty. The disclosure is likely to be more complete if the child feels in control of what is being talked about. If the adult asks a question, the child is a responder, not an initiator. Also the topic is then chosen by the adult, not the child. The problem is compounded by the reality that questions are more difficult to answer when one is upset. 2. PARAPHRASE THE CHILD’S MESSAGE The child is saying something with his or her words or actions. Convey in your own language what the child is communicating, avoiding emotion vocabulary in this initial stage. The challenge is to not use any of the words the child uses and yet restate the exact message as accurately as you can. You have to really listen closely to do this. Child: “He pushed me!” Adult: “You got shoved hard, huh?” Child: "I'm never going to play with Mark again!" Adult: "You've had it with him!" Child: "I hate you." Adult: "I'm not your favorite person right now, huh?" Child: (hides face in hands) Adult: "You don't want to look, huh?" The paraphrase allows the child the opportunity to correct you if you have misinterpreted him or her. This is not the time to guess at emotions, because we often see only the tip of the iceberg in others. The challenge is to illuminate the source of the problem the child is having. Because it is difficult to convey emotions in words, one can expect the process of uncovering the full story to be difficult. The paraphrase is often the best strategy for communicating that the big person actually "gets it." That allows the child to relax away from that struggle to make someone else understand the depth of what is happening. It is a gift to be close and spend time listening. The best guides are to continue with paraphrases. You can talk about yourself in exactly parallel ways. By simply stating your own similar experience you can gradually uncover the dimensions of the child’s perception of the problem. 3. OFFER NAMES FOR THE EMOTIONS After the child’s expression is uncovered, you can offer the complex language names we have for emotions. The goal is to expand a vocabulary of feelings by using new vocabulary to represent the emotional experience the child is in. Since one can never be exactly sure how another person feels, we offer the names as conjectures from our perspective: “I would be feeling pretty miserable.” "I can imagine a feeling of being excluded." "I would be furious!" "I hate feeling discouraged like that." "If that happened to me, I would be terrified." If you avoid using the words angry, mad, and sad, you are forced to search for just the right word. Angry, mad and sad imply the actions of yelling, screaming, striking out, and crying, which are the natural, physical actions accompanying those emotions. If we offer more complex vocabulary, such as, discouraged, helpless, rejected, impatient, threatened, worried, embarrassed, deceived, frustrated, abandoned, lonely, confused, lost, pensive, defeated, disappointed, neglected, exasperated, resentful, etc., no clear action other than talking is implied. The role of the active listener is acceptance. We are human. We have emotions and upsets, both pleasant and unpleasant. We have complex vocabulary to convey our experience and acceptance of our humanity. This is being alive, aware, and present. With words to describe it and validate its existence, with a listener who cares, we can move onward. 4. PRESENT THE CURRENT SITUATION Now that the message is shared and the emotion described, it is time to move on and rejoin the world. By simply describing the situation facing the child right now, you offer the child the opportunity to make a choice that he or she thinks best. "There is 20 minutes left of outdoor time." "You are here and the rest of the children are in the classroom." "They have things going on in the block area, the book area, and the loft."